second-time-around jitters

My husband and I had lunch with a friend yesteday. We showed him pictures of our son (that we carry around in our wallets like good Stepford parents) and he talked about his two kids, ages three and five. At the end of the meal, he told us that they're expecting their third on January 1st and that they're a little nervous about it. We can relate.

Steve and I have been talking for a while about whether we should attempt to have a second child. I'm assuming that it would work... I mean, it wasn't that hard to make the first one... but making a child isn't the part we're worried about!

I've gone over the pros and cons in my head numerous times. There are a whole bunch of cons, and only one major pro, but the fact is that the pro, another person to join our family and share our love, balances the cons easily. But that doesn't make the jitters go away.

I know that I would survive the hormone-swing crankiness, the loss of appetite, the five months of unending heartburn and three months of sleeplessness -- before delivery -- and the swollen feet and ankles. And I'd eventually adjust to the exhaustion, and fight my way through the breastfeeding again, and deal with losing my hair (hopefully it would grow back the second time). But what really scares me is that there might not be enough of me to go around when we have more than one.

I made a choice to stay home with my son. And I like to think that I was smart enough to realize that by hiring Miriam I was giving him some additional opportunities and an alternative type of attention that he wouldn't have gotten otherwise (but it was my husband's idea -- I might not have done it if it weren't for him). So I'm really pleased with the way he's growing and developing and learning to express himself, and I would like to believe that the reason he's doing so well is because he feels secure and gets lots of individualized attention from us, his caregivers. And I'm afraid of short-changing a second child, and by extension my first too, because suddenly the demand for attention is twice as high but you only have half as much to give.

This is probably a big load of b.s. Lots of people have multiple kids and their children don't turn out maladjusted just because there were a lot of them. I guess what I'm really afraid of is turning into the kind of mother my mother was. She fed us, and clothed us, and taught us to read and celebrated our birthdays, but I don't remember ever feeling like she was really interested in us. I know she loved us, and she still does, but I don't remember her ever saying "I love you." I got the impression that she kept all the little drawings and stuff that we made her as kids because she thought it was expected, not because she felt any particular affection for them (when we had children of our own, she gave them all back). Yeah, I admit it. I have issues with my parents. Yeah, I've been in therapy. And although it probably won't happen, I would like to prevent my children from having issues about me.

If something is worth doing it's worth doing right. Especially when the something is raising children. And I'm so scared I'd screw it up that I'll make myself crazy and feel guilty about wanting to sleep when the children are awake 24 hours a day and consider every can of Spaghetti-os I serve a black mark on my record. And I haven't even gotten as far as "play-dates" yet!

Our friend says you grow into parenting like everything else. You learn when you have more than one that each parent has responsiblity for one child, all the time. You forget that there was ever a time when you were not tired, since you don't remember what that feels like anyway. And the joy of having multiple kids multiplies with them. But I'm still on the fence.

Twins run in both our families.