tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...

It isn't that I mind these periods of single-motherhood. They're challenging at times, but really not that bad... yeah, I threatened to go and leave him at the firehouse this morning, but I haven't used "your picture on a milk carton" yet. He's a wonderful little boy, and I love him to distraction. Plus I'm fortunate enough to have a babysitter two days a week so I do have some time for myself. If only I knew what I wanted to do with that time.

No, I've decided that what I really mind is the loss of companionship that I used to have with my husband. Before our son was born, he really was my best friend. There was nobody I would rather do things with. And we did fun stuff -- rode our bikes all over Brooklyn and parts of Manhattan, tried out new restaurants, went to concerts, theatre, (sometimes) movies... walked and talked and travelled to exciting places. My favorite was Doha, Qatar because it was so exotic to me. Like Saudi Arabia without the abaya.

Now, I knew that having a child would change a lot of that. We never try out new restaurants anymore, since one of us will not have the luxury of sitting and finishing our meal. Usually Steve does rug-rat patrol while I sit alone at the table, then we switch off so that he can finish his slowly congealing entree. (Dessert? Fuggedaboudit. Dining out makes Chinese takeout feel like an endulgence. ) We haven't ridden our bicycles since I got pregnant, in December of 2002. I think my husband goes over to the mini-storage and pumps up the tires twice a year just on principle. Last year I lobbied for a toddler bike-seat to no avail. Travel is limited these days to going to see our relatives, since none of them want to come here to visit us.

But the worst thing is how we seemed to have aged a generation overnight. It doesn't help that he works 50 hours or more each week, getting home at 7 or 7:30pm and then staying up until 2am working on some other project that he didn't have a chance to tackle at his office. Plus the extra committees, the business trips, the dinner meetings... by the time Saturday comes he wants to sleep all afternoon. I can't really hold that against him, but I told him this weekend that I'm having trouble adjusting to not having a life. We don't even go to church together anymore, since I leave early to sing in the choir and he and the boy come an hour later. We finally meet up at the coffee hour sometime around noon. So what do we do together these days? Well, we still sleep in the same bed, although I'm beginning to think that's hardly worth it anymore.

I'm presuming that one day we'll have a social life again. What really makes me feel old is the death of our sexlife. I can't remember the last time we had sex, and that makes me sad. It isn't even that one of us wants it and the other doesn't. Neither one of us seems to have the energy or the inclination anymore. It's really depressing. I'm seriously considering resorting to chemicals.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time...